I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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