I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
