Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
