Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
