Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
