Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
