why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
