they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
