you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i dont even know how to be here
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
