just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
