Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
