there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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