he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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