meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
