At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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