I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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