like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
