It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?