I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.