Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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