She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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