it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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