my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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