Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
