I want to walk on stilts...naked
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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