Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
