I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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