I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
