i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
