You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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