I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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