I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
