I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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