Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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