Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
