I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
