so explain again why im purple
no
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
