all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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