just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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