Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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