Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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