I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
