Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
