need another drink. this is the easiest way
my phone needs a breathalizer
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
