My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
