Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i came on her dog
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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