this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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