The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
