im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
