The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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