its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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