soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
