I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize