my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
