the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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