I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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