just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
